So far, my biggest concern

I have not been too worried about weight gain, or health issues, or even how to decorate the nursery (which is still just a spare room with furniture needing to be moved). My concern isn't even really how to handle all the milestones that my husband will miss throughout the pregnancy (like the big 20 week ultrasound coming up in a little over a week where the sex of the child is revealed), due to his deployment. I am slightly saddened, but not even concerned, about the fact that I will not be able to splatter Facebook (or a real photo album) with those cute husband and wife maternity photos. Too bad, Baby Awesome, your daddy was serving his country --- this is just one of the sacrifices we have to make.

The true thing that has me searching chat rooms and racking my brain is what I am going to do once this child is born to help him/her get to know daddy -- despite the absence.

I realize that many women have done this before me. Many children have been born into military families whose fathers were absent due to combat. The question is though, how do you familiarize a BABY with someone who is just not there?

The Power of Perspective

After a week of fretting, worrying and getting anxious over the "what if's" and "why me's"... a calm meeting and a bit of distance has truly set forth to alleviate my concerns over life, school and work. My personal situation is not the end of the world... I am just going through the motions of dealing with deployment and pregnancy (which of course is doing nothing to smooth my emotions). Graduation plans seem to be back in order for next May, despite what seemed like a wall (G-d bless graduate advisors; their power to see the light at the end of the tunnel is truly life saving). And I may still be employed next year, pending a budget approval. This perspective has been exactly what I needed -- Job is not my new name.

The Yoga Sutras teach us that the entire world is our own projection, and that things outside neither bind nor liberate us; only our attitudes toward them does that. For example, think about the belief that "life is hard." If you operate from this assumption, everything you do will seem like a struggle. You look for challenges in every situation, potentially creating your own roadblocks. Instead, if you turn that around to "I am meant to succeed," then you open your mind to new ideas. As yoga guru Sri Swami Satchidananda said, "There's nothing wrong with the world. You can make it heaven or hell according to your approach."

The ability to reframe a situation is an important skill that can transform your life and our world. Today, I have taken the time to clear my lenses so that I can view life from a higher perspective. I am what I make myself out to be in the type of world I choose to see.

Moments like Job

There are times I can look back on in my life that I prayed to be like Sarah. The concept of being such a wise and worthy woman, consumed hours of thinking, and made its way to the top of my prayer list numerous times. In fact, whenI found out I was pregnant I first laughed -- in disbelief. I did not think it was possible, both for me or for the timing.

Another character I have felt more like, lately, though is Job. There are times when I had wished to be more like him, too, though. Call it stupidity, foolishness, or a childlike perception, but what made its way into my prayers has not been a desire for trials… but a desire to be recognized by God as Job was, as someone with whom “no one like him [was found] on the earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil.” (Job 1:8)

I’ve had trials in my life. [Who hasn't?]  Right now,I feel as though I am being given some of my biggest trials: alone, pregnant, husband going into "war", job potentially not existing next year (such is the world of education) and friends who are moving in different directions.  At this point, I have definitely questioned whether God had answered my prayer or is laughing at me,…. and I am like Job, being assailed.  Although that was how I have felt in moments of feeling overwhelmed, it has helped with keeping an eternal perspective on more times than one.

If I am being assailed as Job was, what kind of response should I have?

Job 1:21-22:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, 
And naked I shall return there.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

If I am being assailed as Job was, what can I learn from Job’s mistakes?

Job 42:1-6:

Then Job answered the LORD and said,

² “I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
³ ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
⁴ ‘Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.’
⁵ “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
⁶ Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes.”

If I am being assailed as Job was, how can I glorify God in the most-desperate, overwhelming, and unlikely circumstances?

Job 13:15:  ”Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.”

If I am being assailed as Job was, how can my life prove to both Satan and his demons just how powerful God is?

Job 2:3:

“Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man fearing God and turning away from evil. And he still holds fast his integrity, although you incited Me against him to ruin him without cause.”

Rather recently, however, I actually thought something new….

“I feel like I have it worse than Job.”

I had to bite my tongue immediately as I thought through the trials of Job’s life. I am so wrong to think so highly of myself to be privileged with a trial larger than Job’s. I know I have so much to learn spiritually (and otherwise).

I am so foolish to think that amidst my petty concerns and the personal trials I face day-to-day, that I have surpassed the blessings of the trials of Job. Amidst all of Job’s trials and discomforts, the one person in his life that he should have been able to depend on for support said the following:

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!”

Wow.

No, I have nothing to complain about.  I have a wonderful husband who is the furthest thing from Job’s wife amidst the trials of my our life.  He stands by as a loyal and loving companion, shoulder (though via skype) to lean on, counselor, confidant, and friend. No, I have nothing to complain about.

Not only do I have a wonderful  husband but I have friends and family much unlike Job’s. As opposed to Job’s who accused of Job of sin and offered no comfort, I have wonderful friends who offer comfort, assistance, encouragement, and love.

So, the next time I feel like Job (which is a nagging feeling right now), surrounded by trials and bereaved by struggles and pains, I hope that I will stop and take a closer look at the whole account of Job in order to remember all that I do have and all that God has blessed me with.

New rules for my solitary, pregnant life

These are some general guidelines that I need to remind myself of on a daily basis right now... they might be helpful to you in the future.

• Drink lots and lots of water, at least one ounce for every two pounds you weigh, each day
• Take pre-natal vitamins, even when you're just trying to get pregnant. My favorite are the generic ones from Safeway (or Target, or wherever... they're all pretty much the same). I've also been taking fish oil supplements and my doctors and nurses always praise me for it!
• Take deep yoga breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth when you're really mad at your husband/other children/boss/friends/mother-in-law. It's your hormones. Once you are done, remind them that you are especially cranky right now.
• Avoid any movie, television show, news report, book, or conversation in which dying or injured children, especially babies, are discussed. The same holds true for dying or injured mothers.You will not be able to deal with this right now.
• Schedule regular times to get away from your family with a supportive group of other mothers (pregnant or not). If you don't have a group, find one right away.
• Limit your consumption of river fish (including salmon, trout, river bass) to 8 ounces per week; mercury levels in our rivers are high, and mercury harms developing babies
• Which sucks if this was originally one of the main staples of your diet. 
• Don't smoke and don't drink heavily (I never did this anyway, but it's a good reminder for others)
• Check labels for high-fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. It's bad for you and it will make it much easier to gain unhealthy weight.
• With anything else diet-related, please check with your doctor, midwife, or doula before eliminating things you love. Soft cheeses, honey, caffeine, and even small amounts of beer or wine are thought by some people to be harmful to a baby. However, there is no substantial scientific research to support their complete elimination from your diet. If you need it to survive (hello caffeine!), don't get too upset about it unless you hear it first from a respected medical professional.
• Find an exercise routine you can live with and stick to it. Pregnant women are now "allowed" to do a lot more than in decades past, from walking, yoga and stationery biking to running, hiking and cross-country skiing. 

Cooking for way too many.

So, I realize that supposedly I am eating for two (although the second person residing in this body is no bigger than a navel orange right now) but it is really challenging trying to limit recipe portions. This, so far, has actually been the biggest challenge of being without my husband. Of all things, not the bills, not the housework or anything else -- it is cooking for myself.

Honestly, I bore myself. Here is what I made today. It's a huge pot of Curried Vegetable Stew. I love it, but this is enough to feed 12 people. I will probably freeze half of it (and forget about it). Here is the recipe if you are interested -- it is quite possibly my favorite one I have ever gotten from Rachel Ray.

If anyone has good one serving recipes, for which I do not have to buy a book, send them my way. Because I can only do microwave lasagna or chicken and broccoli so much.

Cooking for way too many.

So, I realize that supposedly I am eating for two (although the second person residing in this body is no bigger than a navel orange right now) but it is really challenging trying to limit recipe portions. This, so far, has actually been the biggest challenge of being without my husband. Of all things, not the bills, not the housework or anything else -- it is cooking for myself.

Honestly, I bore myself. Here is what I made today. It's a huge pot of Curried Vegetable Stew. I love it, but this is enough to feed 12 people. I will probably freeze half of it (and forget about it).

If anyone has good one serving recipes, for which I do not have to buy a book, send them my way. Because I can only do microwave lasagna or chicken and broccoli so much.

I have not seen Act Of Valor...

I wanted to go see it. My husband went and saw it a few weeks ago while he had some free time (being in work-up, there is not a lot though). He told me I would probably not be emotionally in a good place to enjoy it. He then proceeded to post the quoted prose piece by Tecumseh that is referenced in the movie to his Facebook page, so of course I looked it up. 


Come to find out, this is a part of a death letter that one of the Sailors has prepared for their unborn son (thus why my husband probably told me not to go see this movie). It then become part of the larger narrative delivered by his Chief and is read throughout the movie. I was thinking about this this morning -- it is so powerful and embodies a lot of what we military families always have a t the back of our minds. 


So here it is the full letter from Chief Dan to his best friend's unborn son:


Before my father died, he said the worst thing about growing old was that other men stop seeing you as dangerous...I've always remember that how being dangerous was sacred, a badge of honor. You live your life by a code. An ethos, every man does. It's your shoreline It's what guides you home and trust me you're always trying to get home. Your father was a reader, Churchill of course but also Faulkner and books about Tecumseh, he loved artists who painted people with bodies that looked like boxes, I'd give him hell about that he just say you gotta look harder, Look harder your father would say, I always knew he wasn't just talking about those boxy abstract paintings. There's threats everywhere in a world that's draped in camouflage. Your fathers grand father gave up his life flying a b24 in world war 2, he kept the liberator aloft just long enough for everyone to jump and then he went down with the plane. That's the blood coursing in your veins, Your father was my boss and I was his chief. What we knew about each others traits and our bond as operators. There's a brotherhood between us and we depended on each other more than a family. Tecumseh said although a single twig may break a bundle of twigs is strong.

Our platoon was headed downrange, we had Weimy our sniper he grew up in the middle of the Mojave desert, most excitement he had as a kid was bowling frozen turkeys down the isle at the grocery store. 

Ray our comms guy, our radio man. He grew up in east LA gangland. He had a silver star for pulling a wounded teammate out of a freight.

Sonny he was made of grannet, this guy didn't even do push ups because he was afraid his chest was gonna get too big.

Ajay joined the teams late in his 30's he had been a muay thai fighter all his life, before that he grew up dirt poor in Trinidad.

Mikey had 20 years in the teams, as humble as he was. You never even know him, he kept a picture of his wife in his helmet and a lock of her hair in his pocket, quiet as the breeze and finally senior chief miller, couldn't really tell you much about him other than I'd rather take a knife to a gun fight than have to be interrogated by him.

That last night at home you think about how you coulda been a better dad, a better husband, that bedtime story you shoulda read or that anniversary you forgot. You don't expect your family to understand what your doing, You just hope they accept it. When you get home you hope you can pickup right where you left off.

War is a country of will, theres no room for sympathy. If your not willing to give up everything...You've already lost.

Your father was a good man, growing up without him is going be hard its going to hurt. You'll feel alone, out to sea with no shore in sight you'll wonder why me, why him. Remember you have warriors blood in your veins, the code that made your father who he was is the same code that'll make you a man he would admire, respect. Put your pain in a box. Lock it down, like those people in the paintings your father liked we are men made up of boxes, chambers of loss, triumph, of hurt and hope and love. No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions, his past. Use it as fuel as ammunition as ink to write the most important letter of YOUR life. Before your father died he asked me to give you this poem by Tecumseh, I told him I'd fold it into a paper aeroplane and in a way...I guess that's what I'm doing, sailing it from him to you. 

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion;respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.